Sunday, July 13, 2008

Gym Stories

I found an interesting story on CNN yesterday called “Dealing with jerks at your gym.” Made me recall the “Seinfeld” episode in which George was caught peeing in the shower.

This part of the story made me laugh out loud:

Cindy Lauren, a 53-year-old medical nonprofit director from Santa Monica, California, has a noise nightmare at her gym. The former competitive bodybuilder says one member sounds like she's having sex every time she lifts weights. “You can hear her everywhere," she says. "She'll have these little 5-pound weights and she'll be going 'Aaah, aaaaah, aaaaaaah!' like she's having an orgasm. The other members’ eye-rolling and face-making almost make it worth it, but it's really irritating."

Lifting five pounds makes her THAT happy? She must be a nightmare in the grocery store!

“Excessive locker-room nudity” was another complaint. I haven’t figured that one out. If you’re going to shower after working out, isn’t “excessive” nudity necessary? The only locker room “problem” I’ve had (if you can call it that) was the time a girl in the locker room caused me all kinds of self doubt, and she did nothing other than have perfect boobs.

There are three locker bays in the women’s locker room. Along the wall is a long mirror that reflects into each bay. I was in the third bay taking off my wrist bands and hand splints. The sweat line on my t-shirt almost reached my belly button and my hair was plastered to my head. There were a few women talking and changing clothes around me, but I wasn't paying attention.

However, when I glanced in the mirror, this absolutely stunning woman was in the second locker bay changing out of her gym clothes and into street clothes. Her long dark blond hair was pulled back in a hard plastic band and she was standing there without a bra on, slightly bent over and tying her right shoe which was balanced on the bench. I tried not to stare, but it was really hard not to watch her. I never knew breasts like that existed outside of magazines. They were perfect, probably a 34D, and when I wondered if they were real, I realized the woman was maybe 25 years old. Yes, I sighed, they were probably real.

She slipped a long-sleeved t-shirt on over her perfect rack, no bra needed, and bounced out of the locker room. I stared down at my own breasts, quite cognitive of the fact that mine never looked that good. Ever. Not even before nursing children.

But that was hardly the gym’s fault.

Also messing with my psyche at the gym in Pittsburgh are a few snotty women who lift with the big boys. I tried once to ask one of them where a towel was so I could wipe down my bench and she got all pissy with me. She glared at me and barked, “How would I know?”

Her lifting partner, who I think is her husband (poor guy), smiled apologetically and said, “There’s one in the other room.” I thanked him, but she left me feeling really stupid and inferior. I hate when I let people do that to me.

The only real gym problem I ever had was at my previous gym. I won’t go into details, but let’s just say it involved “excessive nudity,” only it wasn’t in the locker room. Ew.

So since I like to ask you guys a lot of questions, here’s today’s: Do you have any good gym stories? Or do you avoid the place like the plague?

15 comments:

  1. Thankfully I don't have any good stories.

    Though I do tend to get a little irked when people feel the need to talk on their cell phones when they're on the treadmill right next to me. Missing the big sign that says "NO CELL PHONES!" :) Oh well.

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  2. I dont have any good ones either---but I loved this post if that counts :)

    and ADORE seinfeld.

    and am FROM the 'burgh!

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  3. The only problems I have at the gym are rude people. You try and be polite to everyone but there are those few who run you over, cut in front of you to get to machine etc. I am at the gym to work on my exercise program and I would really hope everyone would support each other. Nice post Lynn it is so sad that most of these stories are so true.

    Mara
    http://24stepstogo.blogspot.com/

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  4. It was years ago, and there were time limits for all the machines. Some little bitty was on the stepper that I was signed up for, she was over the time by a lot. I waited patiently, I try to let everyone do the cool down, especially if no one is signed up after me. So after waiting way too long, I moved in and told the girl that I had the machine at the alloted time. She looked at me, got off and said "You need this more than me". I hopped on and started crying, thankfully I sweat a lot and was able to hide the tears. I can't even believe I went back to the gym after that. But I did! Wow that was painful but cleansing. Love seinfeld.

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  5. The only thing that can come to mind immediately is about 6-9 months ago I thought I was going to pass out at the gym. It was early morning so there were only a few other people there, but this guy came in and was working out only two ellipticals down from me. All of a sudden "the fog" settled in... yes, just like in the Steven King book/movie. I didn't think I would survive, but it passed. Obviously the gentleman had eaten something that died in his intestins because I was visited at least three or four more times. The last time as he passed right by me to go to another part of the gym. My eyes were almost swollen from the stench, but I finished my workout and quickly went home and showered.

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  6. no bra? The boobs probably weren't real. The fake ones tend to "stand up" on their own and real 34D's would need some support!

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  7. Nah, not real....not even if she was only 20!

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  8. A woman at a previous gym (before I moved) used to blow dry her hair, completely naked. And then proceed to blow dry hair somewhere else. I kid you not.

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  9. Girl at one of the Y's I go to came in and used a machine in front of me. I nearly went blind when she bent over to sit on the weight machine she was wearing far too thin white terry cloth shorts and a bright pink thong. And there's 70's guy (as my 17 year old calls him) who often times wears short shorts, and a bandana. There's a few stories. Now I go more often to the new Y which is closer to my house and not nearly as full of characters as the Y in the Springs.

    I've always been top heavy, if she was braless then those babies weren't real.

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  10. OMG...thank you for your stories! Between farting men and pink thongs, I have enough "imagery" to last awhile! LOL

    I don't understand the whole cell phone thing. Yes, it's important to be connected, but to chat about ordinary things when you're working out? I don't think so. Besides, if you can talk, you' AIN'T working out hard enough.

    Deanna, I really HATE what that woman said to you. What a b-word!!!! That she has a ton of issues doesn't even begin to explain or justify what she said to you. I really don't understand how people can be so mean.

    You guys are no doubt right. Her booobs may not have been real, but dear god, I'd have paid a fortune for them! LOL She probably did.

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  11. Hi Lynn. Your comment about excessive nudity made me think of a time where I ran into a friend in the locker room at the gym. I had just changed into my workout clothes and she just finished showering after her workout. I said a brief hello and started to walk away. She started an entire conversation with me, all the while completely topless with just a towel wrapped around her waist! I didn't know where to look!!! I kept talking all the while looking at my feet. It was super awkward.

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  12. I hate working out next to a woman (or man) that's wearing way too much perfume (or cologne). There's nothing worse than working yourself into a sweaty oblivion, while standing next to the equivalent of the Macy's perfume counter. Enough to really make you want to pass out!

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  13. Blow-drying the hoo-haa REALLY cracked me up! Thanks, anonymous!

    I agree, rachel, the gym is no place for perfume or aftershave. I used to work out at a Y with a lot of older folks who BATHED in the stuff before coming to the gym. It was awful.

    Gnitting...um...I wouldn't know where to look either. How embarrassing! There are just some things I don't need to know about my friends.

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  14. I've got one, well, two... One of my biggest peeves is people who don't use the provided sanitizing spray and paper towels to wipe down the machines when they're done.

    The first instance was when this super sweaty (I mean, DISGUSTING) guy with too-short-shorts on was sliming up the machines and not wiping them down. I have been told before, but don't really care, that I tend to be a little too abrasive too soon sometimes. SO... I walked up to slimy shorts guy and said, "So, could you please tell me what it is about you that means you don't have to wipe down the machines when you're done with them?"

    His response?

    "I'm not sweating enough to warrant it."

    My response?

    "THE F*** YOU AREN'T! YOU DISGUST ME YOU SLIMY, SWEATY, HAIRY PIG! LIKE I WANT TO SIT ON A SEAT AFTER YOUR BALL CHEESE HAS BEEN SMEARED ALL OVER IT!?"

    I then proceeded to grab the spray bottle and a roll of paper towels and wipe down every single machine in the area, like, OVER clean them. I embarrassed him to the point where he left the gym, and when he did, I got a round of applause.

    Scenario #2, same kind of sweaty pig man but this time? I happened to know he's a doctor. He's a bone doctor, but a doctor none the less. And he's a BAD doctor. When I was a teenager he diagnosed me with a medical condition that to this day I can't find in any medical book or anywhere online, and other doctors have never heard of it. So anyway, I walked up to him and said something to the effect of, "You're a doctor, and you don't even know that by not cleaning off the machines that you're spreading germs and diseases?"

    His response?

    "I don't have any diseases and I took a shower this morning."

    My response?

    "Listen up, Dr. Unibrow (yes, he had a unibrow)... As far as I'm concerned you could've been picking dingleberries out of your butt 10 minutes ago. I don't know and I don't care, but I'd rather err on the side of caution. You're a bad doctor and a bad gym member!"

    As I walked away, he was chasing after me going, "Have I harmed you in some way? How do I know you? Come back here!"

    I'm near neurotic when it comes to it. Though I'm older now, and instead of skeeving out at them (loudly) I just wipe everything down before I use it, and when I see someone NOT wiping things down, I make sure that the machine they're on now is my very next machine, and I have to get on it within 15 seconds of them getting off. 50% of them get the point and go start cleaning off their machines... the others just look at me like I'm weird.

    I don't care!

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  15. I love the boobs story. :) My gym is pretty low key, which is why I go there vs. other places. My favorite gym of all time was an all girls gym. It was VERY clean. Then 24 hour fitness bought it and let the men in (even though there was no men's locker room).. I was sad when that happened. :(

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