Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Me At Any Weight

Digging through my purse has been a favorite pastime of Claire’s since she was six months old. She’d find my compact, open it, and scrape at the powder. Shake the Tic Tacs. Chew on my phone.

What she liked most was to rearrange my wallet. She’d take out the debit cards and the American Express card and the AAA card and the insurance card and the various Hallmark/Dicks/Staples/Giant Eagle store cards and then put them back, usually cramming them into one slot.

Claire hasn’t been through my purse in awhile, although Luca has a time or two. Today, though, she wanted to rummage through it. When she dug out my wallet, she found my driver’s license and said, “That’s you, Grammy!”

What she didn’t know was that behind my current driver’s license was my license from six years ago. I took it out and showed it to her.
“Who’s that person, Grammy?” she asked.

“That was Grammy a long time ago,” I said.

She stared at me for a second, like I’d gone completely nuts.

“No,” she finally said. “That’s not you.”

Some day it will make sense to her. Some day she’ll see photos of me at 300 pounds and recognize her Grammy. Somewhere in my eyes, I suspect. Or my smile.

Within those before photos is a vague yet important resemblance to the me of today. There is energy within them. The spark of a woman who worked hard, dreamed, loved her kids, and was a good person. Claire will see that one day, I’m sure of it.

While it’s often hard to reconcile before and after photos, the only real difference is weight. The real me is always there. Yes, I’ve grown as a person; matured and learned a lot about nutrition and me and why I eat and all that, but deep down – at my very core – I am me at any weight.

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Here are a few more photos from my amazing day with the grandbabies. It was my first solo trip to Pittsburgh in more than five weeks. While I’ve seen Claire and Luca in that time, this was our first real back-to-normal visit. We all needed it.
Playing with Grammy's cane
Luca and me in a self portrait
Me with my Claire Bear
Luca wearing his lunch

8 comments:

  1. Yes. No matter what we weigh, how many years we've lived upon this planet, what our waists measure, our hips... we got each other. We are still us.

    And that's the story. We want to be healthy, and attractive I suppose, if possible. (At our age, all we have to be is presentable.)

    But we are still the us we've always been.


    Life is good. love, V

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  3. 'm glad you said that. Someone (you?) recently posted about loving the large person that she used to be because that person is the one who had the dream and took the necessary steps to lose the weight to make her who she is today. I feel like I've always been here--I may have worn a "fat suit," but, you're right, I'm still me!

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  4. I know this may sound trite
    [?sp], but you looked beautiful in your old driver's photo. Remember it's your inner beauty that people saw.... you just had to reconcile the inside with the outside. I think you found the "real you". Great post!

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  5. What sweet pictures. Sometimes your words just strike me and I find myself welling up with tears. It's true even at our biggest we were still ourselves. One of my favorite things to say now is "We aren't our weight".

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  6. Yes, this post, and especially this sentence 'I am me at any weight.' made me a little teary. That is exactly right. I wish every overweight woman could know that. It might make losing the weight easier?

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  7. I loved this post, because I can get confused about who I am sometimes--probably because I don't want to be the overweight wife, mother, grandmother that I have been for so long that it has become an identity. I also need to realize that the good things about my personality, as well as the not-so-good things, are the essence of who I am, and will likely remain so, to a great extent, no matter what weight I am. I don't want to lose the positive attributes, but I also know I need to work on the parts of my personality that keep me overweight, underexercised, and using food to cope. Here's to liking ourselves as strong women, and giving ourselves credit for working so hard on improving our health and our lives.

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